20 questions

As I go along, day to day in this new life I have been given to live, I have discovered that I have a lot of questions.  Not big important questions to most, I suppose.  To me they seem enormous. I find new ones each day. Things I have been forced to think about that I never dreamed I would have to. Don’t misunderstand, I think asking yourself questions is important.  I guess to really know oneself you kind of have to, right? You have to ask the things that scare the shit out of you. The stuff that keeps you up at night. The stuff that hurts. Real hurt.  That dull ache in the pit of your stomach that says life is hard and pain is real.

My questions range from small and insignificant to big and headache inducing.  Some make me laugh. Some make me take something to help me sleep. Some make me cry. Some make me drink (ok they ALL make me drink but that is neither here not there). My questions are….

How will I ever trust in love again? How will I ever feel like marriage and forever are real things and not just fairy tale made up bullshit that we feed our children and ourselves to make it better than what it really is? How do I ever look my beautiful daughter in the eye and tell her to lose herself in love? To fall head over feet? How can I promise her something so out of the realm of what I now believe in?

How do I find a way to look at myself like I used to? I remember looking in the mirror and thinking “Damn, this is working. I look good, I am invincible”.  I hear something else now. I hear sad. I hear regret. I hear pain. I miss the other way. I miss the confidence that love gave me, the sense of being loved no matter where I was or how I looked. I miss the security of love.  I miss that constant state of happy.

How do I talk to people now? Instead of we I am me. When I tell a story now I have to catch myself- it can’t be an “us” story anymore. When I tell those stories I get the look. You know it. The pity look. The “how sad you must be” look, with the tilted head and sorrowful gaze. Fuck that look. I don’t want it. I don’t want your pity.  What has happened to me sucks and is awful but that is for me to call, not you. Unless you are a close friend, save it.  Because of this, I have had to change how I talk to people. How’s that for some shit?

How do I talk to people who are newly in love and so blissfully happy? I can’t. I don’t have the compassion that I once had. I don’t look at them and think “how wonderful” I think “whatever- don’t get too comfortable”. And I hate this about myself. I hate that one thing can rob my ability to love new love. I fucking hate it. I hate how one situation, one measly thing can change me altogether as a person. Change my outlook on life. Change my ideals. Change my perceptions of people in general.

How do I manage on my own?  Let me rephrase. I can and will “manage” on my own. But all it will be is “manage”. It won’t be much else for a while. I think managing is pretty fucking stellar given my life as it currently stands. “Manage” is perfectly fine for now. But I am struggling with the little things. Assembling my sons toys (seriously WTF is up with toys? They all come in no less than 1000 pieces nowadays). Taking a shower while a one year old and a five year old entertain themselves- how do I  keep them alive for 10 minutes while I bathe?  Making dinner while a baby screams and a kid yells at the top of his lungs. Getting them to and from school. Dressing them. Getting them sleep at night. Taking care of them if they’re sick.  Doing it all by myself. It’s fucking hard, people. Serious props to all the single parents.

How do I have a social life? Will anyone ever want to date a 35 *ahem* almost 36 year old with 2 kids?  Is that something anyone actually desires in life? And god forbid I do meet someone, will they ever be able to love my kids with the ferocity that I do? Will anyone ever be good enough for both me and them? How do I protect them from hurt in this situation? How do I know who is safe with them?

How do I establish who I am on my own? I have been part of a couple for so long that now I am forced to redefine myself as a person.  I know that sounds trite, but it’s so very true. Who am I if not part of us?  This part is getting easier. I am slowly finding my true self again. And guess what ya’ll? She’s pissed. I’m a little angry these days.  But I recognize it, I control it. But it is there. All part of the process, people.

Like all things that end we must mourn them. I am mourning the loss of my former life. I was sad. And still have days that I feel so broken that I just want to die. But it is shifting to the next stage- anger. I’m losing my temper and it’s happening fast. I pity the fool who says the wrong thing to me for a while. I do. And I issue a blanket apology to anyone who I wrongfully lash out at.  What’s up next? Is it bargaining? I ain’t bargaining for shit. Not me. Not this girl.  Disbelief? Trust, I believe what’s happened to me. There’s no disbelief anymore. Eventually it fades to acceptance, right? I look forward to acceptance. To not having so many goddamn questions anymore. I yearn for the day I just live. I just go about my life and there are no speed bumps or detours or sudden drops. I just want that.  No more questions. No answers. Just…..quiet. Peace.  Contentment.

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