Inside my head, the world has always been a challenge. Look at me. See me.
Do I please you? Do I piss you off? Do I make you feel something? What do I make you feel? What do you want from me? What do I want from you? Why won’t you look at me? Can you see past my bristly exterior and my unfiltered commanding words? Can you see what I struggle so hard to control?
I hate to cry. It pisses me off because it opens my heart up and pours it out my eyes in front of the world. When I’m really angry, I cry. I can’t control it. I hate not having control so it just makes me angrier. It’s a vicious cycle.
When my brother died I was the strong one. I was the one who kept the family going. I was the one who talked to everyone who came over about my brother. I didn’t cry until we buried him. I was scared. I was angry for having my brother taken away from me because of the bad choices in people that he always made. He had a heart that trusted too many people that led him down the wrong paths in life. I wish his heart would have trusted me a little more so that I could have led him down the right ones. When I finally cried, I cried until I was hoarse, dry to the bone. My heart broke and spilled down my cheeks in a shower that I thought would never end…and I was alone.
I lock a lot of things inside. I am a pain in the ass to understand because I don’t make it easy on anyone. I’m indecisive. I try to turn my emotions off like the flick of a switch and then I rage in the late hours of the night because I couldn’t turn off the hurt or the hate or the happiness that makes it hurt.
I love someone. I love him so hard my heart hurts like it’s been kicked repeatedly with a pair of steel-toed boots. He’s not here. He left and he isn’t coming back to stay. I want to rip my life up and move it across the country to be with him. I can’t. He probably doesn’t want me to anyways. There goes that damn boot again.
I’m trying to date someone else with this ghost in my heart. I can feel myself pulling away even though this guy is a good guy. He isn’t the good guy that I want. He is nice and sweet and gentle and my kids have him wrapped around their fingers but I’m not wrapped around his. I don’t want him the way he wants me. He wants me for forever…for old age and porch swings and grandkids and long walks holding hands. I want someone else pressed against me in the dark. It’s not fair to him but I can’t figure out how to tell him. He is a nice guy. I KNOW he is. He’s just not what I want. This sucks more every day because he’s here and I can’t seem to force myself to do anything about it.
He’s one more person I’ve introduced my kids to and I promised I wouldn’t do this. I swore I wasn’t going to drag a string of guys through their lives. I can’t figure out how to date without involving my kids because to get to know someone you have to spend time with them but to spend time with them alone you have to have time alone. I don’t. Not much. I know I’m grasping at straws. I’m looking for a reason to break up with him but he won’t give me one so I’m looking for one of my own.
I don’t know what to do. I’m not really sure if the lack of feelings is entirely his fault either. It could be the meds I’ve just started, or it could be me. I don’t expect a fairy tale love. I don’t expect someone to come in and carry me away into the sunset on a white horse. I just expect that the person I want will not only be nice and good to my kids but he will drive me wild and push me to be more myself. I’m not getting that right now. I don’t know that I ever will.
So I’m here, spilling to the internet, because I can’t make a fucking decision again. This sucks.