Dear Santa,

This time of year draws on me like a bucket from a well. I feel like pieces of me are pulled slowly out and then poured all over the place in a messy splash that soaks everyone within range.

I’m angry. I’m insanely pissed that my ex hasn’t seen my kids in 10 months. I knew that the time would eventually come that he would stop seeing the kids but I didn’t expect it this soon. I’m aggravated with my dad for not even acting like he remotely cares about me and my little family. The last time I stopped by to see him he acted like he couldn’t wait for us to leave. I guess I just need to accept the fact that he’s never really going to be the parent that I wish he would be. I had an idealized version of what a father/daughter relationship was supposed to be like but I think my dad is just too damaged for that.

I’m sad. I miss my brother. Tomorrow his birthday will be a month away, ten days after mine. I don’t have him to get a present for even though I almost always see something that I know he would have liked. I can’t have a wrapping paper ball fight with him and my baby brother on Christmas Day. I can’t laugh as he tries to steal everyone’s gifts or sticks a dozen bows to his head. I can’t pick on him when he comes running up and turns his arched back to me begging me to scratch it for him or steal his hat and run off with it as he cusses about everyone seeing his messed up hair. I can’t threaten his latest girlfriend with abuse and a secret burial if she does him wrong. I miss those days.

I’m happy. My kids have made so much progress! Noggin is actually telling me what he sees in books! Screech is trying to write his name…sorta. Grabby is turning into such a little smarty pants that I’m surprised almost daily by the things that she says or does. I’m seeing someone who treats me and my kids like the most precious beings on Earth. I’m actually attempting to turn my routine and my way of doing things into our way of doing things together (this is a big step for me because letting others into my routine is VERY hard for me to do).

I’m worried. I’m worried about my mom’s health. I’m worried about my little brother’s health and his relationship. I’m worried about the progress that I’m also not seeing in my boys. I’m still not having much luck with them recognizing colors, shapes, numbers, or alphabet letters. I’m worried about a few other things that I’m not ready to speak about on here yet. I’m having nightmares and I can’t decide if they’re stress-related or medication-related because I get them when I’m stressed but they’ve been especially vivid since starting the latest med.

I’m lonely. I don’t mean in the sense of not having anyone. I just keep getting the feeling of being alone whenever I’m around other people. I look around and wonder if any of them are Aspies or if they have the kind of issues that I have. I wonder if anyone besides me fights to look at people when they’re talking to them or absolutely hates to shake hands with strangers because they don’t know where their hands have been. I wonder if I can get over the need to control how everything in my world is done because I only feel right if I do things myself. When I’m walking, not really seeing anyone around me because I’m staring at the ground or looking at empty spaces to walk through, I’m not exactly looking around to see who’s also doing the same thing or who’s trying to avoid eye contact with a group.

I feel like I’m slacking lately. My PECS book for Noggin has been sitting at the end of my bed waiting to be worked on for weeks now. I have tons of presents to be wrapping but I just don’t feel like staying awake at night in order to get the wrapping done. I had plans for a big calendar with magnetic PECS symbols so my boys would know what was coming up and weekly/daily schedules and I haven’t managed to complete any of that. I wish I had a completely free weekend with a few people to come over and help me finish all this stuff and hang my damn pictures in the house. I just can’t get it done on my own. I need to teach my boys how to use Proloquo2Go on the iPad but I don’t get much time to sit down with them of the evenings after cooking dinner, eating, cleaning up, baths, pajamas, and meds. They already go to bed much later than other people’s kids and I know more sleep would help them so much.

I’m tired. I need a good day’s sleep and some solid time spent sitting down on my butt for an evening not doing anything. I also need to get rid of whatever this plague is that the kids have given me again. I’m grouchy and I feel like I’m losing my inspiration to write.

So, Santa, think you could drop a few elves at my house? If they can make that many toys, they should be great at laminating PECS symbols and designing calendars! I might have to get them a ladder for hanging the pics on the walls but that wouldn’t be an issue. Hook a Helping Hooker up!

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