Wow, you’re four years old. Where has that time gone? It has disappeared into the days, months, years since you came and left. Five days is not alot to have you in my life but they are five days I will cherish forever.
It’s hard to imagine what you would look like now, although when I look at your little brother, I get an idea. You would definitely have had those eyes that all the others have and that cleft in the chin. Yours was quite pronounced, like Imogen’s. They say that means the person is flirty…yeah, I can see you that way. Noah is flirty. He likes the brunettes, perhaps you would have too. I imagine your hair might have been wispy though. I don’t know why I feel that when I think of you. I have nothing to base it on. All the other kids have thick hair but I just get a feeling yours would have been different.
It’s your nature, your personality I will never know, something I will always have to guess, until we meet again of course.
When I close my eyes and think of you, I imagine the sweetest little boy, not an ‘old soul’ as Ivy is but a little guy who looks at the world with new wonder. It might be the smallest thing that amazes you, a bug, the clouds but I imagine the world would surprise and even bewilder you sometimes. I think you would be like Maddy that way. A little niave about things and trusting too. It’s a nice way to be, son. It was my way too.
I know you would have loved your cuddles, all my babies do. Even Lily, who is the least demonstrative, will sidle up for a quiet snuggle. You would not have been any different there.
If you were anything like Noah and your Daddy, you would have a mischievious streak as well.
I think about you alot, you know.
Not as much as I should.
Not as much as I would have had you stayed here with us but alot and I think about whether you would like books or TV or if you would adore the outside, like Noah does. Would you love music and sing? That seems to be another family trait. Would you be artistic, as all the girls are or would you be a gadget boy, like your Daddy and your brother?
I can ponder these things but I will never know.
I know I haven’t been up to visit your grave for a long time. I am sorry but at the moment I can’t.
It hurts too much.
I used to go all the time but now I can’t feel you there anymore and I can’t remember your smell or the weight of you and that grave is a very physical reminder that you are missing.
I hope you can see that I still love you more than I can express.
While I’m saying sorry can I just apologise for not being able to bath you after you died.
I just couldn’t do that one thing for you. I blew it and I will regret it forever. I know the nurse washed you but that was my task as your Mummy and I just couldn’t.
I wish for all the world that I could take back time and do that one thing for you, Lord knows I let you down in every other way as your Mum.
I hope you had a lovely birthday, Will.
We celebrated for you, as best we could. It would have been better if you were here.
Thanks for sending me the little man and the Ivy-girl. They certainly helped to piece my heart back together.
There’s still a hole though.
There always will be.