I can’t do this..

When I saw those 2 bubbles on the screen in the doctor’s office my first thought was, “Oh my God, I can’t do this.”.

When they took me to the hospital and said, “We may have to deliver your babies today (at 26 weeks).”, I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When they kept me in the hospital for 4 more weeks before they delivered you and I listened to your heartbeats disappear every time I had a contraction I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When they delivered you, Twin A cried at birth, Twin B didn’t make a sound. I was so scared that he never would. I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When they took me to my hospital room and I had to wait for hours before I finally got to see you I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When they told me it was time for me to leave and go back to my room I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When they wheeled Twin A, my little Noggin, to neurosurgery I openly bawled my eyes out and I whispered, “I can’t do this.”.

When they let Noggin come home before his brother and we had to leave the hospital with just one of my sweet babies I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When I had to stay home during the day alone with Noggin while Twin B, my Screech, was at the hospital alone because I wasn’t allowed to bring his brother back into the NICU to see him I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

The first night at home with both my boys running on barely any sleep and exhausted I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

Moving us 6 hours away from the hospital where they were born and getting married I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

Watching my sons go through speech and physical therapy when they weren’t meeting their milestones I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When I brought home the boys’ little sister and watched them run circles around me while I was breastfeeding their sister I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When things got really bad and I had to take the kids and leave I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When I moved from our tiny apartment to the house I rent now with barely any furniture and higher rent I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When I took my son to his pediatrician and she told me that he needed to be evaluated by a doctor two hours away I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When I walked out of that doctor’s office with Twin A diagnosed with classic Autism and a request for a referral to see his twin brother I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When I walked out of her office again with Twin B now also diagnosed with Autism more on the Asperger’s end of the spectrum I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When I finally read the finished reports from all the various evaluations that my boys had been put through I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When I realized that I was letting my mind live in the past, I wasn’t moving forward and taking care of what I needed to for my kids, I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When I walked into the psychologist’s office and I started telling him everything that was stressing me out and making feel so overwhelmed I told him, “I can’t do this.”.

When I started taking Prozac and my hands began trembling I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

When I looked at everything I was dealing with, I decided to cut some of the things out of my life that weren’t helping me. I looked at my boyfriend and said, “I can’t do this.”.

I wiped everything away and gave myself a clean slate. I decided it was time for me to start over again because my kids deserve to get the best of me and not what’s left after I finish worrying over every little thing. When I looked at all that I was allowing to hold me back I thought, “I can’t do this.”.

I’m determined that I’m going to do everything I can for my babies. I know I’m a strong person. I’ve had to be strong for too long to start becoming weak now. Today I’m looking at my life and I’m saying, “I CAN DO THIS!”.