I know, I know, I might have held him back.

I might have wanted to keep him close that extra year but probably not.

Knowing my kids, as I do, he would have been confident and clever and I would have sent him.

Shiny shoes and a button down shirt, crisp and clean and ready.

He might have been smaller than the other kids, fragile somehow but still, his little chest would be bursting with pride as he slipped his big boy back pack over his shoulders.

The other kids would all be celebrating with him, congratulating him on his ‘big school’ status and my heart would swell as I let him go.

Off to kindergarten.

He would be five and like all the others, I would have sent him.

I promise you I did not dwell on today, what today would have been if my April child were here.

I promise that I lived for the moment and celebrated my others as they push forward, always forward.

It was just a silly thing that set me off, a small sentence, streaming through my living room as I watched the light and shadow of the television play upon the walls.

“Don’t grow up too soon”.

I might have said that very thing if he were here today, standing in front of me as I tried to manage his blonde fuzz.

I’ve said it to all the others, a superfluous statement to any child.

Tonight I wish that, for just one day, I could see the boy he would have been, with his big boy smile and his eyes bright with possibility.