It begins with an accelerated pulse. Immediate. Fierce. Startling. I can feel the prickle beneath my flesh and it never ceases to surprise me. What surprises me is how fast it comes on- it is instant and completely out of my control. Next is the breathing. Rapid, chest heaving, and it begins to feel as if there will never be enough air to fill my lungs. This will go on for several minutes. Then comes the part I dread- the madness. The anger and irrational, murderous thoughts. That part? Yeah, it hangs on for the better part of a day.
I suppose the best way to describe it would be to try to describe the feeling you get when you’re about to vomit. You can’t stop it- no matter what “tried and true” methods you have heard or personally tried. It’s there. It encapsulates you. It takes over your entire body as a whole. You become one with that anger. At least when you vomit, it’s over eventually. Not with the anger. It tends to linger. Longer than it needs to. Longer than is healthy.
I have never known any emotion so strong as my anger these days. Overwhelming would be putting it mildly. It wraps itself around my soul and refuses to let go and it frightens me. I think, “this must be how crazy people feel” and I empathize with them. I think thoughts that I never knew I could think. I imagine things, play out scenarios in my mind. None of which are helpful. None are pleasant. There are days I truly feel as if I am losing it. Like I am one statement taken out of context away from a fist fight.
One word, one misconstrued word or emotion away from inflicting real pain on someone. Anyone. It doesn’t even matter who anymore. My targets are so vast that no one, other than my children, is safe. In my tiny little violent world, I take everyone down. Because that is the kind of anger I am feeling. Fuck the world. Fuck everyone’s feelings. Fuck being nice and considerate. I want blood. I want someone, anyone, to feel the way I feel. I need someone else to feel like they have been made a fool of like I have. And I really don’t give a shit at what cost.
This is my internal struggle. I am fighting demons from a part of my heart that I never knew existed and it’s terrifying. I am smart enough to recognize this and I know this part, this stage, goes away. But I am in it right now and it is ugly. I have never felt so ugly in my soul as I do today. I feel no peace, no calm. Only madness. Only raw, gutted anger. I need this part to end. Tell me it ends.