Lessons in Annihilation

Divorce is surprising. It’s so fucking surprising in so many ways. I really thought I knew who I was and what my place in life was…boy was I wrong. So wrong in fact that I’m beginning to wonder if I ever really knew who I was to begin with. I had such great plans laid out ahead of me….back to school, maybe moving to a new state with maybe a new job…all that got screwed when he decided he didn’t want me anymore. People have said “he ruined your life”, to which I laugh and say of course he didn’t- he simply changed my plan.

I’ve had a million revelations since I moved out 6 months ago. The biggest of which I had this morning while driving to work, listening to my Ipod. It won’t shock you, but it got me right in the gut. I’m not the mean heartless girl I have always thought I was.

My whole life I’ve been touted as kind of a mouthy bitch, and it was a title I wore proudly like a team logo. I was a mouthy bitch, and you’d better not cross me or you would catch the brunt of my strength. I had a quick wit and a sharp tongue that could put someone in their place faster than you can say bad motherfucker. I could talk myself out of anything, and I prided myself on being that brash chick that didn’t take shit from anyone.

In the midst of this whole mess with my marriage, it seems a third party got involved. The timing of her arrival is something I have my thoughts on but cannot clarify, so I’m left with my assumptions. Fine. I’m fine with trusting my instincts. I think I know what went down. What surprised me the most about it all is that I didn’t go ape shit crazy, hair pulling, put her goddamn teeth on the curb mad. I just didn’t. I cried. I cussed. I lost all faith I had in love. I wrote some horrible things about her but never published them. Why I didn’t publish them? I took a deep breath and grew up.

I had some words with them both, and I stand by what I said 150%. Just because I’m not beating her to a bloody pulp doesn’t mean I’m backing down from my stance. Hell no. I’m not *that* girl. The girl I am, however, is an adult. And adults handle shit differently (well, the intelligent ones do anyway). I have had moments of true pity for them both. I’ve felt sorry and at times even compassion. BIZARRE. This is not me. I don’t take shit. I bring shit.

But I don’t want to bring anything anymore. I want to be free of it all- the drama, the anger, the pity-all of it. It’s not what I need in my life. I’ve found what I need and that is me. I am starting to remember who I was all along and how great I was (am) to begin with. Where did I get so lost? What happened? How did I let someone else determine my happiness?

It won’t happen again. This annihilation of my life, this total devastation of character, it’s done. The me that got lost is back, but slightly better as a result of her journey. I’m still a mouthy bitch, mind you, but it seems under it all I have a pretty amazing and forgiving heart and a gentler soul than I knew existed within me. I’m proud of how I have handled things. I have taken the highest road imaginable throughout this ordeal. I took all the pain and anger and hurt and I used it to become a better person. How ya like dem apples? I mean really, who knew a divorce could make me a better person?

I still get mad, and some days are harder than others. I don’t suppose that goes away for a long time. But I’ve learned to adapt. My new mantra in life is “let it go”. Don’t hold onto the things that give you any emotion other than pure joy. Life is so short and so beautiful. Hold the good inside but let the ugly just go.

I think sometimes people think I’m crazy for not being chasing her down and scratching her face off. I’ve wanted to, and the urge occasionally rises within me to do so, but it simmers down pretty quickly. I don’t feel like my hard earned energy is best spent there. I’d rather use it to flirt, laugh, dance, and kiss. These are the good things. My mean girl days are over….unless you fuck with my kids. But that’s a whole other post. For now, she is at peace. And for the record, the song that prompted my revelation? Seether by Verucca Salt.

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