Something you want to change about
yourself and why. That’s easy. I want to change the way I see the world. It’s no secret I have been in kind of a cynical place lately. I have my reasons and they’re valid. But I hate how dreary I am seeing things. Right now feels kind of mean to me. Right now is a bully that’s kicking me when I’m already on the ground. Right now needs a good ass whooping. When I wake up, it’s not with a skip in my step. It’s more of a groan and a stretch and a “Oh boy, I get to spend 8 hours typing.
I get to spend 2 hours driving. Then I get to come home and be busy busy busy
till I finally fall into bed and then oh yeah, I get woken up at 2 am by my baby. JOY”. This is a not a great way to start my day. I’d much rather wake up and see the beauty in each new day. To see that incessant typing at my job as a steady paycheck and insurance for my family. To see the 2 hours spent in the car as a moment or two for myself- until I get the kids, of course. To hear my baby’s cries at 2 am as a lovely tune because she is healthy and can cry and just wants her mommy.
Seriously-why can’t I get to that place? Why can’t the world seem huge and full of chance like it used to? I want that back. I yearn for that childlike “anything can happen” mentality. Not this grumpy grown-up life sucks attitude. It’s not me. It’s never been me to be such a pessimist. I have always been a glass half full kind of person. I miss viewing my environment as such.
I miss seeing things through happy glasses. I was once the girl who tried to convince all the naysayers of the good things in life- now I need someone to do it for me. If someone would have told me at 16 that being an adult was so fucking hard, I would have seriously reconsidered growing up. No one does though. No one warns you of how much more things hurt when you’re old enough to truly comprehend them. No one shares with you that it’s a struggle.
It’s always a struggle. Be it financial, mental, physical, whatever- there always seems to be something in the way of the big picture for me. I wish I knew what my problem was, I really do. But I think writing this, and all 30 days has been helpful to me. I think just putting it down and out for all to seem makes me responsible for my thoughts. I want to see things better. Shinier. Happier. Smilier. I want to change that about me. I want my happiness back. Once and for all- and when I get it, I’m never letting go again. Never.