My reality

So here is what I have learned: nothing in life is certain. Not even that one thing you really thought was so certain. It’s bullshit, it’s artificial. It’s smoke and mirrors. Know what else I learned? What is real- not certain, mind you, because certain means you never doubt its existence. But REAL. What is truly there. Before your eyes. True. Honest.

Friends are real. I do not have words, not because I can’t find them in my vocabulary but because they do not exist, for what my friends have done for me. I have felt love. Support. Heartache. They feel what I feel. I never knew someone could do that for you. When my text ping goes off at 2 am, I know it’s someone checking on me. I know it’s a friend who has been there and wants to be sure I’m ok. I know it is love. Do you, can you, have any inclination what that feels like? It’s both beautiful and horrifying.

I have learned what it means to be a good friend through this hell. It’s so much more than “how are you” and a hug. It’s crying with me. It’s being there and tucking my son into bed because I am too emotionally drained to do it. It’s buying my daughter an outfit because I left so much of her wardrobe at “the other house”. It’s bringing wine and cookies at 9 pm on a Wednesday in your jammies. It’s texting me long elaborate tales of commiseration because that’s what you can offer me. I have never known support like this. I didn’t know. I had no idea. I really just…didn’t. For all the times in my life that I have spent bashing humanity, bashing religion, bashing people in general…. I’m sorry. There are real, genuine people out there that will do anything to help their friends. How fortunate am I to have them in my corner. They represent to me what religion is meant to- support, community, blind faith. These people believe in me NO MATTER WHAT. DO you hear me? No matter what I do, how I fall, the words I spew out in anger? They love me and believe in me. If that ain’t faith then I don’t know what faith is.

So here I am. I. Am. Alone. I have nothing to show for the time I served, I have pain. I have questions. I have hurt. It’s all important, though. I have to go through it to get through it. And while that sucks enormous balls I recognize the importance of it. Pain must be felt and dealt with before it goes away. The pain I can handle. The uncertainty, the never ending questions and what-ifs…I’m not so sure I am ready to tackle those. A girl who was already struggling with her confidence, her appearance, her soul, now has been forced to question even more. It feels a bit bullyish. A bit mean. A bit cruel.

But here’s the thing about ME. I am resilient. I am strong. I can overcome this. I can overcome it all. Will I cry? You can be assured of that. Will I always wonder Every day, forever? I will always wonder WHAT I DID. But, will I be ok? Will I survive? Of course I will. Because above all else, under the fear and the insecurities and uncertainty I know me. I will always hold my head up high and with pride because I know deep down, way down, that I did nothing but love. So love has wronged me. I don’t believe in it or trust in it anymore, but I believe and trust in me. And I right now, I’d say that is a damn fine beginning.

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