On sickness, not going away and breaking point…

It seems that Ivy and I have relaxed just enough to make us both sick.

She physically and me emotionally.

I am not sure I can cope with her being unwell now.

Not now.

Not any time in the next six weeks or so.

But she is.

And I have to deal with it.

Because.

Just because I am the mother.

Yesterday I had the world’s biggest panic attack and I haven’t had one of those in such a long, long time.

There was nothing to trigger it.

Nothing obvious, except the last six months of doctor yuckiness and second guessing myself as a Mum. Nothing obvious except that William’s birthday is coming and my whole self is being engulfed by his presence.

It is really just an adrenalin rush, the panic attack. An overdose of it, if you will, and you get the sweating and heart palpitations and the dizziness. All the physical signs of the emotional turmoil coming to the surface.

I hate them though.

They are an open sign of the crazies.

For me.

So, the girl’s ears are bad and she is throwing up her antibiotic and her poo is gross, runny and black (because she is on the iron and because she has gone back on the Erythromycin – I know Mary, I know). She is back on the EES because she started vomiting the Bactrim and she spiked a temp. Now she is not stomaching that either.

Her tummy is just so tender.

We were hoping to go away this Easter but all of our funds are sadly depleted from ongoing medical expenses and Dave just cannot see a way around it. He is stressed about money, which I completely understand and support and I am stressed about everything else.

Which brings me to my point.

My breaking point.

I wonder if others can feel it coming.

When they reach the end of their tethers and they know that if something doesn’t give something is going to give.

I can feel myself getting agitated and short with the children. I can feel that…lump…just under the surface.

You know that knot?

It just keeps growing, balling itself up, until eventually, it will cause an obstruction and all the panic, anxiety, stress, sadness, anger, horror will come bubbling out. As harsh words, as ‘what about me’s’ as emotional breakdown.

If I don’t tend to this node, do something to ease the pressure… I don’t know, really.

Please tell me that it’s normal. Please tell me you all know what I am talking about. Please tell me I’m not at breaking point yet.