Random thoughts of an insomniac gone mad.

… Maybe I am crazy…

Everything about this nightmare is wrong. Why can’t I help her? Why? I feel out of control, powerless. I can only imagine what she is going through.

When William was born my whole life changed. I have felt as though I have been falling ever since.

That night, that night, when the NICU nurse asked, ever so casually…’have any of the doctors mentioned his cardiac condition to you yet?’


‘Oh, well, I shouldn’t say too much but he has a severe stenosis and will need to be transferred…I’ll go and find a doctor’.

Drawings of hearts and aortic valves and not enough oxygen and did we want to transfer?


I wasn’t thinking he wouldn’t make it. I gave it up to the doctors, I put my son’s life in their hands. I moved with hope and with purpose that night.

We arrived at the new hospital. I had never held him, had barely had a chance to be with him, look at his features.

I put my son’s life in their hands, new doctors who I had never met before.

‘There is nothing we can do.’


I trusted the process, I trusted you.

I can’t trust the doctor (any doctor). I don’t trust the process. Anymore.

Do I trust myself?