Random thoughts of an insomniac gone mad.

… Maybe I am crazy…

Everything about this nightmare is wrong. Why can’t I help her? Why? I feel out of control, powerless. I can only imagine what she is going through.

When William was born my whole life changed. I have felt as though I have been falling ever since.

That night, that night, when the NICU nurse asked, ever so casually…’have any of the doctors mentioned his cardiac condition to you yet?’

No.

‘Oh, well, I shouldn’t say too much but he has a severe stenosis and will need to be transferred…I’ll go and find a doctor’.

Drawings of hearts and aortic valves and not enough oxygen and did we want to transfer?

Yes.

I wasn’t thinking he wouldn’t make it. I gave it up to the doctors, I put my son’s life in their hands. I moved with hope and with purpose that night.

We arrived at the new hospital. I had never held him, had barely had a chance to be with him, look at his features.

I put my son’s life in their hands, new doctors who I had never met before.

‘There is nothing we can do.’

But…

I trusted the process, I trusted you.

I can’t trust the doctor (any doctor). I don’t trust the process. Anymore.

Do I trust myself?

No.