Roid Rage

Ivy has been on Prednisone for eleven days now.

She has what the paed lovingly labelled ‘roid rage’. Do not come to our house if you want to survive to see another day. Yes, it’s that dangerous!

When you have roid rage you don’t need to sleep. Ever again. Don’t stop there though. It is not commonly known that when you have roid rage, that person (slave), called Mummy, doesn’t need a wink of sleep either. You can spare the Daddy though because he can be helpful in obtaining food so you need him to be well rested.

When you have roid rage, you are angry. All.The.Time. Even when you are enjoying something, you are still angry (and don’t try to persuade her otherwise because that will just make her more cranky).

When you have roid rage all other people lose ownership rights to the Mummy. It gives you license to swipe and scream… “My Mummy!” to all and sundry, even if they are not in the room that you have the Mummy held captive.

Roid rage entitles you to demand food and ’shakey’ 24/7 because you get the munchies. If food is not produced pronto, go and get a plate and demand louder – you have that right and you cannot be held responsible because you have the rage and the rage absolves you from all wrong doing (beware anyone who thinks discipline is the way to go – see point two and then re read point three. Note the swiping? Expect that).

If you are still refused food and the plate taken away, present the Mummy with another and another and another (in between tantys and swipes) until she gets the message.

Roid rage makes you deaf when your mother says no to a third helping of anything. In fact, having roid rage makes you hear yes, even when the reply is in the negative.

If your mother gives in and feeds your prednisone induced hunger, just to keep the peace, roid rage gives you the right to throw any healthy options at the offender (as if you want that, even though 2 seconds ago you were begging for it) and demand things that are not even in the pantry…like hot chips or lollies or chocolate (no, there isn’t any in the house because I ate it all, yes, all of it. In. One. Go. Not to mention the cheesecake. Stress will do that to you , you know).

All mortals living in the house should know that if these things are not made available within the next ten seconds, they might as well kiss their sorry lives goodbye. Roid rage gives you license to kill by means of a high pitched scream that only a rager can aquire and subsequently listen to, for any length of time, without being in exceptional pain.

When there is roid rage about you feel the need to mention that you want breakfast straight after breakfast and neglect to remember that you have just eaten five minutes beforehand and demand to be put in your high chair again.

Roid rage compels you to cry all day long, especially when the captured Mummy begs off picking you up for the 500th time in ten minutes because she has been slapped every time and has finally learnt her lesson.That and the fact that you are heavy now, that you have the prednisone induced munchies, and her back is breaking, should not stop you demanding transport to the (you guessed it) highchair because the rage should just be accepted and embraced as far as you are concerned.

Yes my friends, it is not pretty but lets look at the positives for a minute…

She is eating and putting on weight,

her bottom isn’t so bad,

she is learning new vocabulary every day. Who cares that it is stuff like ‘go away’ and ‘get me a shakey’ or ’shove off’ (Lord knows where that one came from) or ‘highchair, take me, NOW’.

I needed the contents of the pantry eaten (well) before the expiry date because I so love shopping with a cranky screaming child, especially food shopping (not),

I’ll be able to go back to night duty now because I am used to staying up 24 hours straight for three days in a row,

I might get a back massage in the near future, because I will need a chiropractor for my broken back,

I won’t put on any more weight because there is no food in the house for me to emotionally eat, in fact, I may even lose a kilo or two from transporting her royal rager to and from the high chair.

It’s all good people, it’s all good.

Oh, I thought of one more positive!

I hear the local padded cell is very comfortable and it’s quite easy to sleep in a straight jacket.