The best thing I have going for me right now….

At the risk of going all Mom on your asses,  I have to say my kiddos are my driving force today.  Putting that on paper is hard for me, because I swore I’d never be one of those moms who puts their kids up on an impossibly high pedestal. I swore I would never let becoming a mother define me. I swore to always be Paige.  I wouldn’t be MOM. Boy did the universe kick me square in the nuts with that one.

You see, I never wanted kids.  It was just not something I had ever aspired to achieve in my life. I liked kids. I had friends with kids and that was cute and all, but it was never something I yearned for.  That motherly instinct so many of you are born with, I was not. My instincts were more of the drink and smoke variety.

Then I got married and that love thing happened. It changed my insides. Made me all soft and gooey and want to create people. I know, I know. It’s lame and cheesy but it’s also very true.  We wanted to make da babies.  Hardest decision ever. But ultimately, the most wonderful.

When my son was born I knew he was my little rockstar. He was an incredibly hard baby- he didn’t sleep.  He got very ill at 6 weeks and spent a week in the hospital. 2 weeks after that I had to have my appendix removed.  We had a rough go of it in the beginning. But we prevailed, and I knew he was a tough one.  Ok, so I figured that out once I realized I was pregnant exactly 7 days after being stupid drunk in Vegas. But that’s neither here nor there.

My daughter, my baby girl, she came along one year ago. She has also proven herself to be quite the soldier. She was a hard baby as well- no sleeping, colic, the works.  3 months after she was born 816 spent the better part of a month in the hospital with a mysterious illness. We both spent many nights away from her and it was miserable.  She also got sick during that time, leaving me to handle a husband in the hospital and baby with the potential to join him there. This was not a good time for me, friends. One of the darkest times in my life.

The last year of my life has thrown me more curveballs than I find fair. I am handling them to the best of my ability, but I would be lying if I didn’t give my gorgeous babes the credit they deserve. They are pulling me through. They are making me smile when all I want to do is cry. They are giving me purpose in a time when I fail to see any for myself.  I don’t believe in God or angels, but those 2 amazing creatures are the closest to heavenly that I see.

Their smiles and laughter put things into perspective for me.  Even on my worst day I remind myself that they are here and healthy and that they need me.  And that feels good. It feels really good to know that the 2 little people who have saved me from myself time and time again need me to protect them. To love them to death. To smoosh their cheeks and kiss them till it’s annoying. For my babies- you are my everything. Thank you for giving me light when I see dark.