Something I wish I hadn’t done in my life….
Oy vey. I wish I hadn’t done a lot of things in my life. Lots of piddly ones. I wish I hadn’t shoplifted all my make-up in college (in my defense I was broke but I still wanted to be pretty). I wish I hadn’t been so latent with my health in my younger years. I smoked, drank, ate fast food, and never worked out. But I popped diet pills like mad- smart girl, this one. I developed hypertension in my early 20′s, which in part is simply genetic but I’m sure my lifestyle contributed. I used to drive without a seatbelt on. I used to drive after I had been drinking. I used to be so stupid.
But I think the one thing in my life that I truly wish I hadn’t done, was that I was careless with my heart. I gave it away far too easily and to all the wrong people. When I fell for a guy, I fell hard. And that meant that I was willing to do just about anything to get that in return. While I would never call myself promiscuous as my actual number of suitors is rather small, I will say that most of them just weren’t worth it. Not worth the nights pining. Not worth the feeling so inadequate. Not worth the shame of him not speaking to me again. Not worth any of it. So. Not. Worth. It.
There are 3 that I would deem worth it. Three. The rest were simple infatuations and looking back, embarrassing as hell. But I suppose that’s the lesson we women learn in our lives. Lessons we need to try to pass along to our daughters. “Daughter, see that hot frat boy? Yeah, he’s not into you for real. Pass. Walk over to the shy dorky kid who has been looking at you all night and talk to him. He’s a keeper. He’s the one who will not break your heart. Promise”.
I was not mindful of my body, mind, or soul at my tender ages. And I regret that deeply today. I now know the woman I have become and what kind of attention I am deserving of. It took me a long time to figure it out, though. Too long. And to my darling daughter, I promise you we will have this talk whenever you are ready. Because you are better than that. You deserve the attention of good people, and I want you to seek them out. I will teach you how to love yourself enough to walk away from the frat boy with the sheepish grin and cup full of jungle juice and just go hang out with your girlfriends instead. This is my mission. I will not let you veer onto my path. I’ll hold your hand and walk you down the right one.