I have been really pent up.

Hurting over the insinuations of Ivy’s colonoscopy reults.

Even though I have been cleared.

Last night it was all I could think about.

Here’s the thing,

I was abused.

Take that for what you will.

The foster boys, who are in my care, were abused.

I have spent my whole adult life running from parts of my childhood. Trying to be the best at being a mother, trying to be as unlike my father as I could.

My own mum did the very best she could for us and she was, and still is, my world.

Being a great Mum is my everything.

When you come from a childhood that was dysfunctional, you do all you can to get as far away from that as possible, or, you can become a repeat offender. The stats are there. Sadly, many who are treated badly turn around and do the same thing to the next generation.

I do not want to be included in that group of statistics.


So to have someone make that suggestion…

it’s like something inside me has died.

I will be second guessing my actions and scrutinising everything I do for the rest of my life and it feels as though everyone else will be watching now too, waiting for me to slip up.

That can’t be good can it?

That can’t be normal.

It has taken such a long time to trust myself and others.

Where do I stand now?